Kleening up Killeen

Kleening up Killeen

An alley in downtown Killeen, Tx.

Good morning losers! Wake up. I know it’s early but I have great news for all of you. Your bottles are empty. You are looking around wondering where the next one is coming from.

You are all wondering why I’m here! I am here to change your lives. All of you;

Near-do-wells, used up prostitutes, failed pimps, drunken sots and violent louts who have taken the easy way out somewhere along your path in life and wound up living in this alley.

I’m from Kleening up Killeen committee. That’s right: Kleen Killeen Streets and Alleys is our motto. I am here to entice you into a better life.

Whoa! You there , sneaking out the back. Come back I’m not through yet. An extra cup of wine for any two of you that drags him back. Good. Hey! I don’t have a cup so I will just pour it into this rag here and toss it over to you. Here you go!!

Now. As I was saying. Before I am through I am sure that you will agree with me that there is a better life awaiting you outside of this trash strewn alley. I’m talking about three hots and a cot. I’m talking about liquor and drugs and lots of it. I’m talking about spending more time drunk and less time working than you are doing now. Sound interesting? Hear me out! This is for your benefit as well as mine. After you leave I’ll clean out the rest of the garbage from these alleys and we will all be happier and better off.

Now I’m not gonna paint pie in the sky for you. You will have to work, but you work now. I’m talking about 15 cents an hour. How many dumpsters do you have to scour before you can make enough for a half gallon of Ripple. No longer will you have to wander the streets pushing a heavy shopping cart. No more begging for handouts.

Turds and Germs , uhh Ladies and gents; how far do you wander from your resident alleys? I bet not far at all. As a matter of fact your territory from the time you venture out in the morning till you stumble back after earning enough for a quart of Thunderbird at night is probably not more than a couple of blocks. You have created a prison for yourselves. The prison you have created hardly benefits you at all.

You can’t get out of the prison you live in. That is a fact of life. Many of you don’t want to. So how about changing the prison you are in for a better one. Somewhere where you are fed and kept warm in the winter. In my prison there is tv, lounge chairs, ping pong tables, and lots and lots of Eldeberry wine. Face it. The bottom line is more wine and drugs. Prison is where you want to be…just not this one, and if you maintain your current lifestyle you won’t have to worry about having to be anyone’s girlfriend.

Yes! I’m saying go to prison. You say why and I say why not! In prison you will get yourself a raise. Did you know that there are more drugs and alcohol than there is out here on the streets. Think of it. 15 cents an hour 8 hours a day. That’s $1.20 per day. How many cans you have to gather to earn that? I know most of you would rather drink than eat. In prison you can sell your meals. That’s right. Instead of the mushed up half a dumpster hamburger that sustains you now you can keep your free food or sell it—for cash that will buy more Gallo.

Now the working part. You are all afraid of it I know. No worries! No matter where you go in prison there are free drinks. If you are assigned to the janitorial staff there is Lysol. The Maintenance shop: Paint thinner.. and they supply the bread that you can squeeze it through for free!! What a deal. Does it get any better than this?? Just think of what you have been missing all these years. You are wasting your lives outside of prison!

Ok. How to get there. This takes some strategy. What you need to realize is that there are different terms for different offenses. The best way without a doubt is armed robbery. You go on out there and stick someone up. Make sure that you do it right in front of a police officer..Hey! Stick up the police officer. Or better yet. Walk right into a bank and yell. THIS IS A STICKUP! You don’t have a gun you say. YOU DON’T NEED ONE! All you have to do is make someone think you have one. Putting someone in fear of their lives is a felony. Shazzam! Its Miller time!!

Ok. In anticipation of the high demand for this idea I have made up a bunch of papermache’ pistols and painted them black. Believe me You point it at someone they will think it’s the real thing. It worked for Billy the Kid and it will work for you. It works especially well on police officers so no pointing it at Police Officers. They have real guns. If the need to rob a police officer overcomes you then just walk up and say: "Officer. I have a gun in my pocket and if you don't give me all your money I will shoot you. It’s best to attempt this with both hands already raised.

Ok. Come on up here and get your pistols. Hey! One at at time. Hey. Stop shoving. Ok. You want two. Now that shows initiative! That’s the spirit. Stick up two at a time. You will go far my man!

In conclusion one bit of advice. Use your remaining brain cells to best advantage. Consider the alternatives. Look down the road a piece. What if after a few years in the slammer you change your mind. Armed robbery with a paper gun may get you 8 years, at the end of which, you may decide to clean up and start paying taxes. You can do that. Leave that option open. Now stupid is as stupid does. That idiot that shot the lady in San Francisco doesn't have any options other than to top himself because he will never see the light of day again, or worse yet, get deported to Mexico again.

Ok. Action time. Hey why not show some of your new found business sense and cut out the middle man. Go directly to the steps of the courthouse and start sticking up people. I don’t expect to see any of you back here so I’ve taken the liberty of scheduling a frontend loader and dump truck for your belongings. What’s that? No. Don’t waste time thanking me. You guys are great. I love you.